I have been busy with my garden this year. Well, I have several *gardens*. I have the front garden. That is mostly bushes and ground cover. I have a garden with two rose bushes but only one has any life to it. I have a garden under my tree. That one is under construction. I have yet to get anything to take there. I planted ground cover so we will see what happens.

Like I was saying, I have learned a lot from garden. I have learned that weeds are toxic and will grow anywhere. They grow better than any plant. They need a lot of attention. I have watched my weeds wrap around my flowers and try to suck the life out of them. It reminds me of how some people can be. I have learned that water is essential. Plants need water. Not a lot of it. That leads me to the saying “everything in moderation”. I have learned that growing vegetables takes time. It is so exciting to see your seedlings. It is even more exciting to see them sprout veggies. It’s kind of like raising children. They take 18 years to grow up. It takes a lot longer for them to bear fruit. We have to be patient and kind until that happens. Otherwise plants orchildren will wither away.

Here are some lovely pictures. Enjoy.

I believe, as do many others, that when you educate a girl you change the world. Here in the US it is expected that girls go to school. It is expected, necessary at times, for woman to work. A lot of us take this for granted. They waste the wonderful life altering experience that is education. In many parts of the world a girl would love to go to school without fear of rape or a beating or depriving their families of resources. Many girls are not allowed to go to school. Many girls who are virgins are either kidnapped or sold into the sex trade. This is a huge injustice to the world. These girls are worth more than that.

I am currently reading “Half the Sky” by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn. It is fueling my fire even more. I want to get involved. I want to help. I have found many ways to do so. I would like to post them here and maybe you will hear the call to help and join me.

Heifer International

CARE

Apne AAP

For More go to

Half the Sky get involved

I took him to the dentist today. The dentist said he had really bad tarter and red gums from not brushing. When I talked to his dad his dad said he does brush his teeth. He said Pat goes in the bathroom and close door. Common sense would tell you to have him open the door and watch him brush his teeth. I had to actually BRUSH Sebastian’s teeth when he was 9 years old. He would sit in the bathroom for 3 minutes and come out with his teeth not brushed. This is his health. The kid already has issues with his teeth why make it worse? You can’t be that busy that you can’t take 3 minutes of your day to make sure the kid is brushing.

The things I hear him say. I take with a grain of salt. He is 9. He is also a very observant 9 year old. He sees things most kids don’t. I think it is amazing that some people will go out of their way to critize my parenting but will not do anything to help. If they are so damn perfect why don’t they prove it? Instead they make a child feel uncomfortable in their home. That’s much better. That proves they are perfect.

His dad is dragging his feet about telling Pat’s grandparent’s he won’t be attending Catholic schools next year. I assure you Pat will be here with his dad’s consent or a court order. It will happen. I am enrolling him in school up here. Yeah, it’s not the wonderful Catholic schools but it is one of the best schools in the state. They have teachers who know how to work with ADHD. His siblings go there. He has friends here.

The most important benefit, he has a mother and stepdad. His stepdad won’t send him away when I am gone. His stepdad will hang out with Pat, do homework with Pat, clean up Pat’s puke, love Pat. I will be here. I am always available for Pat. I may be busy but I will drop everything or rearrange my schedule to take care of him. When I can’t, Kris steps in. Because we are a team.

If this person thinks they are better, fine. If his dad doesn’t want to face the facts of what is really going on that’s fine. I will not sit by idly and watch Pat be shuffled between houses when he can live peacefully in one.

Kris and I have been talking about fostering children. We kicked that around for awhile but then decided that wouldn’t be enough.

A few weeks ago I had some tests done to determine whether my tubal was as successful as I thought. It wasn’t. Apparently, I can still have a baby. I didn’t want to say anything until we were sure.

When we found this out we decided we should try for another one. It’s not the optimal time. But when is it ever? Meg is the most amazing girl and it really bothers me that I only have one daughter. Having a baby would take away that nagging feeling that I quit too soon.

We are going to try. We are usually successful. I am hoping to be expecting soon. Wish us luck.

Ps
April Fools.

Today I spent my time doing math. Yesterday, I wrote my notes for my class on neurogenic speech disorders. I sat there writing away. I wondered when exactly it was that these things became more important to me than anything else. When did they become all of my focus? The desire to succeed at this takes over me. This is what I want. I want it more than I want air. It’s like nothing I have ever felt before. The more I know about my future possession the more my soul aches for it. It’s the strangest thing ever.

I no longer have the guilt of not being with my kids or husband every minute of every day. I enjoy my own existence. I enjoy the freedom that comes with it. It is all consuming knowing where you fit in the world. It only took me 30 years to figure it out but when I did…

……..everything changed.

I am not talking about religion. I think humans created religion as away to control the masses. I do not believe that any of them have it right. In the Bible it says that God is all loving and all forgiving. Only if you believe in God. That is what *God* would want? Really? I don’t buy it. Muslims claim to be carrying out God’s will when they take an airplane and crash it into buildings? Really? An all loving all forgiving God would want you to take someone else’s life. Someone who was made in God’s image. If we all came from God wouldn’t killing and hating each other be wrong? Apparently not because Christians blow up abortion clinics. Christians claim that homosexuals are immoral. God wouldn’t love them. Once again, weren’t they made in God’s image? I just can’t wrap my brain around the hypocrisy of it all. It seems to me that people use God for a reason to act like assholes.

Like I said, it is difficult for me to put it into words. When people tell me to pray or to believe in God it makes my skin crawl. I don’t go around telling people God doesn’t exist. I don’t go around pushing my opinions about God on others. Why do they feel it is necessary to say those things to me? Shouldn’t your belief in God be a private thing? Shouldn’t it be a one on one relationship? It’s my soul. It doesn’t need to be saved.

I wonder why it irks me so much. I have recently reconnected with people who have been out of my life for a while. When I talk to them they still are condescending towards me. It baffles me. We are no longer kids. We are adults with families. Still, I am talked to and treated like I’m still 19. I am educated. I have beautiful children. I have a house. I have a good marriage. Why does it bother me that these people still treat me like garbage?

I remember when I was about 19. I ate up all the negative things people said about me. If people saw negative in me it must be true. Right? My life continued to be destructive. I went from one bad decision to the next. I allowed other people to define me. When I was about 22 or 23 I started to realize that maybe these people were the ones with the problems. Maybe I was perpetuating what they were saying. I gradually moved away from them. Then I got married. Those people dropped out of my life permanently. Looking back I realize they dropped off because it wasn’t that I was the problem. It was that they weren’t really that important to me. I wasn’t important to them.

I invited them back in my life. Nothing has changed. The more I think about it the more I realize that I don’t need people like that in my life. They are great catalyst to keep me going towards my goals. They are little reminders of why I left that part of me behind. In the end, I don’t need them in my life. I have some great people in my life. I have people who cheer me on. I have people who will crawl into the darkest hole and dig me out. Those are the people who are important. As long as I have those people in my life I will be okay.

On Monday I received an email from my Philosophy professor. I had missed the final due to the stomach flu. I was worried she would give me an incomplete because I couldn’t do my presentation. I opened the email to read the nicest words I have read since I had Mr. Greek at Macomb. She said I was an outstanding writer. She also said I was graduate school material and she hoped that I was headed in that direction. She said I had an interesting mind. I was so happy. I work so hard in school. It is not easy to balance my home life with my school life. To hear that a Professor believes I can make it to graduate school just filled my soul with hope.

I have one year left of my undergrad. This time next year I will be waiting on pins and needles for my acceptance letter to graduate school. I have so much to do before then. That little bit of praise is going to give me the confidence and courage it’s going to take to get through it all. It is not going to be easy! I still have to take the GREs. I have to make it through the last 5 SLP classes I have, plus my clinical. I am excited to be doing it though. I know this last year is going to give me the tools I need to have to make through grad school.

When I started college almost a decade ago I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted to do with my life. Every time I thought about working in an office or a retail store I started to panic. When I found Speech Pathology I felt like all the pieces were coming together. I have always had a fascination with language and words. I have always had an interest in language development. This profession will allow me to explore all of these things beyond anything I could imagine. I can see myself working at Children’s Hospital or at a school. I can see myself in graduate school. It is so exciting to finally know where I belong.